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Something that drives me bananas with friendship dynamics is how nobody is playing by the same rule set. Many people want or even need to talk to their friends most days. Some are more comfortable with catching up from time to time. Most are probably somewhere in-between but also are somewhat at the mercy of what the other party wants. I believe many of us want more from our friendships because both in real life and online I hear people vent about feeling lonely, not feeling seen or heard by their friends, or feel left behind in many social situations. A long time ago it dawned on me that we don’t know how to ask for more of our friends because we don’t have the framing to understand what is realistic. Most people innately understand that life keeps everyone busy and that often family and romantic partners trumps friendships. That said most people also don’t only want to be someone’s friend when family and partners are less available or non-existent. We also expect friends to validate us, be our therapists of sorts, and share our values and hobbies and yet we don’t understand how to prioritize them effectively. Not every friendship is supposed to last forever, but many fall by the wayside because too little effort was put in over a long period of time. I want to explore what effort I’ve started to employ with my enduring friendships so that they continue to last (and is giving me life). This new tactic is attempting to talk to my tried and proven friends at least once a month. I’m going to explain why it’s helped me and hopefully this can help you. Let’s break it down!

It started at the end of 2022. I was in a dark space and had been for about two years. I knew I had CPTSD and had swallowed a lot of information about it and what it meant for my life but had yet to round any corners where this information was helping me in any tangible way. I was frozen, it was dark, and the word I had been using for some time was that I felt “untethered” to this world. Losing your parents does that to most (Alexander Levy proves so in his book about the subject), but my situation had a few additional layers. My relatives are well intending people but at this point they aren’t really in my life. It’s a big extended family and there’s too many of us to keep track of. They not only routinely forget about me most days of the year but have also forgotten me for several Thanksgivings and Christmas’ in a row (not to brag on the Internet)- including one notable Zoom Thanksgiving 2020 hangout they plastered pics from all over Facebook that I wasn’t invited to. Sure, some other cousins also had invites that must have been lost in the mail but it certainly didn’t help all of the data I acquired my whole life about how little I matter or how forgettable I am, especially since I don’t know…how does one forget the orphaned puppeteer in Cali anyway? Seems like that description alone is unforgettable even if I am. So I’m lacking in the family department and no longer feel good forcing those bonds that just aren’t gonna happen. ANYWAY I have also made some good friends out here in LA, but my mom died seven months after I moved here, the pandemic happened less than two years after that, and life post CPTSD diagnosis has thrown a lot of wrenches in the works. For so many reasons socializing out here has been complicated. People have underestimated how complicated various chapters or my life have been and only time truly allows for more than the tip of the iceberg to finally reveal what’s underneath my emotions, reactions to things, boundaries, or anything else about my life and I just haven’t had a lot of time, or at least quality and un-traumatized time, to really have most people out here really get me without me having to rip my skin off to attempt to make them understand. But long story long, I felt pretty alone and not understood in life and that’s been a theme in recent years.

So it’s December of 2022 and my wheels are never not spinning in the mud. I’m at my wit’s end. And sadly, things aren’t going too much better for many people in my life, including my best friend from college who had lost his mom in the fall. We had only been texting since his mom’s death because he wasn’t quite ready to have a phone chat yet (which is understandable and valid; everyone grieves differently and not everyone is ready to explain all of the details and emotions when it is new). We finally catch up in December and amongst hearing about the final chapter of his mom’s cancer battle and some of the logistical aftermath he and his siblings were exploring that I understood all too well (word to the wise: death is a paperwork nightmare and presents too many chores for the newly grieving on top of whatever intense emotions one has), plus we caught up about a few other things. We were on the phone for over three hours. We commented on how we generally talk a few times a year and it had become a habit of usually having our talks be that long because there’s so much to say. It’s a catch 22 because we know we’re in for a long talk (which we enjoy) but it’s harder to schedule because we don’t always have hours to talk, especially being in different time zones. Then we started proposing the idea of talking monthly for shorter amounts of time. I immediately loved the idea, in part because of how starved I was for connection but also knowing he was in for tons of twists and turns being that his mom had died recently and I knew firsthand how exhausting that is to play catchup with when too much time passes. So in addition to loving the idea for my own reasons, this felt like a better way to witness and be there for what he was experiencing in real time.

I looked forward to our January talk and it made me feel so good to have this simple way of connecting that I decided to slowly start reaching out to other tried and true people (all long distance friends) in my life and pitching to them the same idea. Everyone agreed and most even seemed relieved and excited themselves, meaning they weren’t just indulging their sad friend with complex trauma but also were longing for a more structured way to stay in touch. Having lived in a few places I have close to two full handfuls of people scattered throughout the country (and world, as my best friend lives abroad but we talk pretty regularly without this experiment) who I now aim to talk with monthly (or every other month). It’s not always perfect and we sometimes lapse, but it has been unexpectedly helpful for my mental health and self worth which is why I’m sharing this idea.

First off, it allowed me to put less pressure on my LA friends. As I alluded to, my external circumstances since arriving in LA have been pretty rocky at best. If you’ve ever gone through heavy life changes while living in a new place, you’ll understand on a molecular level how complicated it is to have everyone in a big city genuinely not understand your life leading up to some of the worst, most raw, and vulnerable moments of your life. People swing into “help” mode which often means (accidental) terrible advice without understanding the scope of what you’re going through. Other people get afraid of anything intense and just walk away. People are either too interested and not helpful or avoidant and not helpful; it’s a weird adult version of being Goldilocks and it’s harder to figure out people’s intent or it’s too easy to ignore some orange or red flags because you really want or even need to bond with people and have friends. It has been very hard to feel seen and understood the past six years, more than any other time in my life. This has been a constant Rubik's cub rarely aligning up for various reasons. Talking on the phone with people who truly understand me and where I’m coming from helped me curb over-explaining everything to my LA friends because I have a handful or so of people who are witnessing anything I’m going through in real time who understand where I’m coming from because they’ve seen what I’ve endured prior, get where my strengths and weaknesses are, and therefore don’t tell me to try to do things I’ve done before because they’ve already seen me try. If an LA friend doesn’t get why something is a big deal to me, it’s not the best but it’s okay because we haven’t known each other as long. Instead of ripping my skin (which can accidentally come across as defensive) I’m now going to go to my pool of people for the really deep stuff when ceilings are hit. It’s freed up a lot of mental energy and I imagine makes me more likable not pressuring people to understand me and letting the cards fall where they may.

This practice is also giving me a sense of connectivity and balance that I was lacking, which has allowed space for more positive energy. For instance, me constantly having to rip my skin off to make people understand is a lot of work and energy and it generally doesn’t make me feel good. But with so few people out here having a greater context to where I’m coming from, it is going to happen from time to time but it has the capacity to re-trigger and re-traumatize me as a lot of my unprocessed traumas involve not having my emotional needs met and/or not being considered important. Having friends in my corner, even though they were long distanced, gave me positive things to look forward to and focus on, so it minimizes my reactions when these situations occur. I have other things to focus on and am being seen even if from afar, so I don’t have to spend energy on that anymore and it’s cleared up a lot of brain space.

This new habit also helps me be better discerning with newer friends. As I’ve been “de-thawing” (I was pretty frozen and stayed at home a lot in 2022) since roughly this spring and coming back to life, I’ve been meeting some new people. Most are pretty great, but I feel absolutely no obligation to humor people who are weird or giving me bad vibes. In the past I’d almost gaslight myself into giving people way too many chances, in part because I wanted to be a good and non-judgmental person but also I was lonely and had a “beggars can’t be choosers” mentality. With all of the new friends passing the initial smell tests, I can let those friendships slowly cook because I don’t need to rush a friendship knowing I have people consistently in my corner. Having the space to slowly get to know people is such a freeing experience.

Surprisingly it also helped me get more clear about who has been in my corner here in LA versus who I’m just familiar with. Being close versus being familiar with someone is a topic I’m going to be covering soon because I think we all have blurry lines about what makes a close friend over someone you just see around regularly. But for now, familiarity and proximity is a helluva drug that can distort your perception of who is really there for you. I think I see who really is interested in how I am as a person versus people who may or may not mean well but aren’t really listening or curious. Nothing too dramatic has happened because of this, but I’ve been more selective about who I spend my time with and everyone I’m less keen on seeing seems to not be fighting for me, which is actually kind of perfect, ha.

Not everyone reading this has complex trauma. Not everyone has a lot of friends scattered throughout the country. And sadly not everyone even has friends (and I’m so sorry if that’s you). But I think most people can take something from this because as humans we are social animals. We all need people in our corner to feel empowered and make good choices. Friendships erode and fall apart constantly because people let them go without realizing it. How many people “grow apart” from someone because too much time passed between talking or hanging out? None of us feel good when those things happen, which is slightly odd because we can take steps to prevent it but society doesn’t know what to do with friends so we get lost in maintaining our friendships. I think this is a potential exercise many could do. Another thing I’m loving about these mostly monthly chats is that I have way more texting and other communication with my friends throughout the month. It’s easier to remember each other, whether it’s to quickly text an update to a situation we’re already have context to, send a silly meme, or just comment all over each other’s social media pages. We’re less out of sight and out of mind so it keeps the friendship energy high and that makes me feel that much less lonely in the world. Plus it’s fun!

Some of my friends read this blog so if that is you, thank you and I love you more than words as you’re kind of saving my life. And if we don’t know each other, I strongly recommend doing something monthly with your friends. Hang out in person, phone calls, or even just texting. I’m considering trying to text other people I care about monthly who aren’t-quite-at-the-we-need-to-talk-on-the-phone level of friendship but still feel worth keeping track of. We all feel a little bit lonely, and when we reach out to our friends or ask for what we need, we help ourselves but also help each other. Friendships don’t just magically stay in tact, even if you can pick up where you left off after some time. Too many details and nuances get missed so I’m thankful I have people who are helping me feel a bit more tethered to this world. I hope you get to experience that too.