LA and Friendships

Greetings. Today we’re going to be talking about what socializing in Los Angeles is really like. I had a lot of false beliefs about what it would be like, and if you’re thinking about moving to Los Angeles this corner of my blog is the source I wish I had before I moved. Before we dive in, I have some quick housekeeping! Life has been coming at me a little fast the past two or so weeks. Not all of it is bad (thank goodness- some of it is actually really amazing) but my schedule got unexpectedly nuts and my brain has been kind of overloaded, hence I’ve been slow with the blog and my YouTube channel. I don’t anticipate this being a habit as I’m editing a bunch of posts that will be stockpiled and ready to go. It’s possible that within a week I’ll be back on track, but I’d rather under promise and over deliver so for now I’m going to say it may be in October when things finally even out totally. But back to our regularly scheduled programming!

I was so nervous to move to Los Angeles for many reasons, but one of them being that I assumed everyone would be fake and self involved. I anticipated and prepared to have most of my emotional support be coming from my friends on the phone who lived far away for the first year or two of living out here. Much to my surprise, most people out here are pretty likable, also looking for connection, and are generally speaking not too bad. Los Angeles is the second largest city in America and it hosts every walk of life. While it’s never necessarily easy to make friends in a new place as an adult, it’s a big enough place where once you get into a likeminded stream you will find friends. I moved out here to do comedy, so I immediately started classes at Second City Hollywood and Upright Citizens Brigade (and a few months later started at The Groundlings) so I was lucky because I met people I could at least hang and get along with right off the bat.

That said, it wasn’t all dancing in fairy circles and deep friendships nor was it without a lot of pitfalls and wolves in sheep’s clothing. Who to look out for is a whole other post for another day, so for today we’re going to explore some micro nuances that make socializing in LA a little more unique than other places I’ve lived. If you don’t know, LA is the fourth place I’ve lived and each place has been in wildly different parts of the country so I feel I have an educated perspective about socializing as an adult in new places. I genuinely feel LA is just a place like any other place, but there are some differences I’ve found after nearly six years here.

People are flaky- but it’s honestly more understandable than in other cities I’ve lived in. Flakes are annoying and I’m not defending them. I’ve been friends with flakes throughout my life and find it so irritating never knowing when or if they’ll show up when they say they will. LA is a rumored flaky town and the rumors aren’t entirely wrong. That said, often times people flake out here for incredibly valid reasons. Most people have a lot of side hustles to survive and that can make it hard to know one’s schedule with absolute accuracy. If your friends are in the entertainment industry, their schedules can change on the flip of a dime. Last minute auditions you have to prepare for are incredibly common and you can’t just blow them off because you have lunch plans. Auditioning is part of your job if you are an actor and you have to take all opportunities seriously, especially in the beginning of your career. And if you book a job, sometimes you start right away or have to leave town to film on location, which makes it obviously impossible to keep plans. If you are in entertainment you will inevitably have moments where you have to cancel and postpone plans last minute, so it’s a good idea to practice giving grace to others who will do this too. Yes, some people will take advantage of this and that sucks. But most mean well and are doing the best they can.

Everyone is so busy. Like I said, people have many side hustles. Nights can be filled with rehearsals and doing shows while weekends are often similar but are also commonly dedicated towards filming your own content or being on a small indie set. Most of my friends have at least three of these things: a writing partner, write screenplays on their own, are on an improv and/or sketch team, do solo character work, have a TikTok or YouTube channel, have a podcast, do stand-up, do clowning, host shows, and probably more I’m blanking on. Some do all of the above. There’s already barely enough hours to do all of that in a week, let alone when you factor in a day job or side job, auditions, plus sleeping and eating. There isn’t a lot of time to socialize. One of my closest friends out here and I became close because she invited me onto her comedy team in my early days of living here and most Mondays after practice until the pandemic I would stay after and we would talk and get to know each other. I’m so thankful both of us were rarely booked for anything after practice and bond (not to mention staying with her an extra hour or two was also convenient, as traffic would let up to making the drive home a bit easier). Now we’re quite close and she’s arguably the only person in this town I trust to call me out, good or bad, because she knows me so well and all of my complexities after six years of friendship and working together in multiple capacities. Yes, we do lunch now sometimes or hang by my pool but unlike many friendships in other places it didn't start that way. Most of your friends will be pseudo to literal work buddies and your time together will be largely about making art together in the beginning, and then you may slowly squeeze in personal time from there. Friendships and bonding aren’t always as linear out here because everyone is so busy. A lot of my early socializing was more professional bonding than doing typical “girls night out” or brunches with friends (stuff I did regularly with my friends in Denver- even in the early days of friendship). There just isn’t always enough time to do those things and sometimes it’s not even clear if it’s worth to make the time to do so considering how much you’re juggling already. Why hang with someone who isn’t going to stick around or you don’t know past a superficial level? I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, nor am I saying it always shakes out that way, but is often how it works out here.

A lot of your early friends won’t stick. Again, this can be a whole other post that will be juicer than what this bullet point will be as there are some actual predators as well as well meaning but terrible personalities to look out for. But when you first move out here, especially if you’re in class or in a theater, you’re going to meet so many people at once. And most are genuinely nice or at least fine to hang with in small doses. However as I said, everyone is very busy. Not everyone keeps in touch after some time has passed. I loved my Improv 101 class at UCB and we became something of a friend group for at least a year. We watched shows together, rehearsed together, and upon completing our class we did movie nights watching screeners for Oscar contenders and watched our graduation shows from the upper levels of UCB. We met in the fall of 2017 and while I genuinely have a soft spot for all of them, I’m barely in touch with any of them. I think I had two phone dates with two women from the class during the pandemic and one of them I saw once not long after we were vaccinated. Another person from the class and I tried to hang out a year and a half ago but we postponed it…and still haven’t rescheduled. Another person I text on occasion. But that’s all that remains of my earliest friend circle out here. Most are really cool people I wouldn’t mind seeing a bit more regularly, but it’s also okay that those friendships haven’t stood the test of time too. LA pulled us all in different directions and we all have different interests. I was so lucky to have a nice and supportive group of people in my early days of living here, but it’s okay that it was only for a season. A lot of people have had similar experiences.

People are guarded/don’t have a lot of bandwidth for you. I think people are effed up everywhere, so I don’t inherently think LA has more bad apples than most places. But I do think artists tend to have a lot of trauma- or trauma that they’re unpacking in varying degrees of awareness- more consistently than other pools of the population. And as I keep sayin, everyone is busy and schedules change frequently so while I don’t necessarily believe the people are worse out here I do think that everyone is in survival mode. Depending on how healthy your mental health is, being in a culture that is constantly in survival mode only exasperates whatever issues you have. This can result in people not wanting to bond or truly open up, perhaps because they’ve been burned before or don’t trust you yet and want to make sure you’re going to stick. Other times people seem open, but at the end of the day the second you have a problem they’ll bail because they’re not up for dealing with your emotions. I’m tempted to say stuff about fair weathered friends or how self serving some people can be, and in some cases I would be absolutely right to say so. However…I think it’s more complicated that that. Again, everyone is in survival mode. I don’t agree with people bailing on people because they’re having a hard time and boy will I be speaking about that when I talk more about my journey of being diagnosed with Complex PTSD. (I feel like I lost half of my friends since then, but at this point I’m fine with that because I only want people who can and will show up for me.) Despite that I think that it’s a genuinely sucky thing to do to someone, on my healing journey I’ve also had to recognize that not everyone has the same tools as you do or at least not everyone knows how to access and use them. I know for a fact that in my past I wasn’t always a good friend and every few years I become more present, empathetic, and effective in my communication. I also believe that with the pandemic and the wrench that CPTSD has thrown into my life that I have backslid and at times probably wasn’t as good of a friend to some that I could have been the past few years. When you’re in survival mode, you have to put your air mask on before your help others. Everyone is not only in survival mode but everyone has varying life experiences, self awareness, and varying mental health disorders that may not be under control. It’s not an excuse, but a reason why this climate can be hard to make close and lasting friendships. For me, knowing this helps neutralizes my reactions when people are sucky or fall off etc out here. As someone who used to take everything so personally, having a more objective view of the mechanics of the social structure out here helps me not feel so attacked- which is why I’m sharing in hopes that this can help you.

The people you know may live far away. LA is huge. While I’m not a fan, I’m going to mention TMZ has its name because the initials stand for the “Thirty Mile Zone” that is considered LA. I don’t want to dox myself so I won’t list towns, but the two women I’m closest with here live 11 miles and 20 miles away from me. I grew up in a small town that didn’t have a movie theater, mall, or box store so I’m used to commuting to places to do life so in theory this shouldn’t phase me but the next town over from me didn’t have traffic like the 405 does. If I’m lucky I can get to my friend who’s 11 miles away in 30 minutes but usually it’s closer to 40 or more. Obviously it takes even longer for the friend who’s 20 miles away. Depending on your schedule and traffic patterns, sometimes it’s just not in the cards to hang when you want to, which really sucks. Sometimes you live close to your friends and that is super fun- but it’s not a guarantee that will happen or stay that way permanently. I’ve never lived in a place where my friends are so spread out, so it would feel remiss to not warn anyone reading who’s thinking about relocating to LA that this may happen. I was warned of everyone being superficial and lame (which I find to be more rare than not) but nobody told me half my friends may be long distanced friends within the same city,

I really don’t believe everyone is a narcissist out here or out to get you. I thought that before I moved here but after six years I feel differently. LA is an intense place and it can be hard to feel rooted at times, but it’s not because the people are all bad. It’s because everyone is busy, in survival mode, spread out, and has chaotic and ever changing schedules. Not all handle the above well- fair enough. Sometimes you find out who the good friends are because you find ways to navigate these circumstances. But often times it weeds out the people who are not meant to be. That can be lonely and frustrating, but if the goal is to have solid and reliable friends, it’s a necessary part of the process.

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