The first week of January 2022 was miserable for me. I’ve always had off and on again insomniac tendencies but at that moment I had officially crossed into uncharted territory. Anxiety was keeping me up all night, and if I did fall asleep I’d wake up in a panic around 3AM unable to go back to bed. I had been dealing with this off and on for a few months but just before the New Year a tipping point had been reached and I was barely sleeping. The wheels had fallen off the cart for me mental health wise a little over a year before so many ducks were falling out of whatever rows I had and counting. By early 2022 I was not in a good place in any category of my life. Not being able to sleep more than an hour or two was killing whatever ducks were left. I had Tylenol PM, those blue generic sleep pills from Target, melatonin, and had tried relaxation exercises to no avail. Nothing was working. Prescription sleeping pills were out because I’m genuinely terrified of them. I felt devastated that I had run out of options until I remembered I lived in a state where weed was legal and could literally walk to a dispensary.

The reason it took a moment to realize weed was an option was that for several years prior to 2022 I was one of those boring adults who more or less never did any substances. Many years back I lost interest in alcohol. It just stopped agreeing with me so I did it less and less, which messed with my tolerance so when I would drink I would get a headache immediately, too drunk with less alcohol, or would black out (yikes). So when I moved to Los Angeles in 2017 I decided to just not drink anymore because the last thing I wanted to do was make a fool of myself in front of new people in the industry I was trying to break into or put myself in a dangerous situation. I have not missed it at all. Until 2022, weed also hadn’t had a big presence in my life since I was under 21 years old. I strongly preferred pot to alcohol in my youth, but at the risk of dating myself when I turned 21 weed was illegal and realizing I could do a substance without the risk of getting arrested became immediately more alluring. I occasionally would take a hit off of someone’s joint and at least twice friends upon it’s legalization got me edibles to help with some pain issues (results were mixed) but otherwise it was off my radar, besides when I voted in favor of it’s legalization.

I Googled a few things about CBD believing that was more of what I was looking for, found a dispensary in my neighborhood that carried some products I was vaguely interested in, and walked me and my dog Lady Grimaldi to the dispensary. I was greeted by very nice staff members and genuinely had a pleasant experience, except one glaring thing happened that has continued to happen at other dispensaries and is thus the reason I’m moving into something of a “weed influencing” space. Clear as day, I told the salesperson (or bud tender as I later learned they are called) this:

“I’m not a big substance user. I like weed fine, but I honestly just need to sleep. I’m also interested in using cannabis as an anti-anxiety medicine. I’ve read up on CBD. I understand there needs to be some THC to activate it, but I don’t necessary want to be high. Actually, I’d prefer not to get high. I read up on your products and I’m interested in what you have to say, but I’m more curious about x,y, and z products based on what I’ve read.”

This very nice bud tender proceed to say about the products I was inquiring about, “Oh, those won’t get you high though. You won’t feel a thing. So I doubt you want those.”

Sigh. Full disclosure, this was a man and no offense, but as a woman I’m pretty used to men zoning out on relevant information I say but in all honesty this experience has been repeated many times and often with women too. Unsurprisingly, I quickly realized that people who work in dispensaries really love weed and sometimes they can be all too human in pushing what they love on people without listening to the person’s actual question. Other times I’d have to ask about the things of the things I believe my questions were answered but so much jargon I didn’t understand was thrown at me, as people started referencing Indica strains as if I knew what that even was, so whatever the answer was it was lost in translation on my end. Google is free, so I kept using it but I found a lot of frustrations because I either found scientific journals that also had vocabulary that did not come naturally to me or I would find a brand promoting a product with no reasoning why it would do whatever the product was claiming to do. I was flying blind and had to do a lot of experimenting on my own. And now I wish to share all that I have learned from a human perspective, versus a clinical perspective or as someone who is too overly enthusiastic and thinks weed fixes everything (it doesn't).

After that first trip to the dispensary I was sent home with two products; one for sleep and one that was mostly CBD. And guess what? I actually slept that night. The CBD product wasn’t supposed to get me high, but it did. (I have theories on that but we’ll address that in another post.) However my January 2022 was light schedule wise was so I leaned into what I like to call my “What About Bob?” therapy where I “take a vacation from my problems.” After 2-3 days of being kind of buzzed to totally checked out, I felt human again. My problems still existed but I had gotten a few nights worth of sleep and had broken up the negative looping I was experiencing 24/7 and was able to break out of it and have some perspective.

On record, self medicating is a very slippery slope and I would be remiss and terrible to not mention this. But also most medication used for psychiatric purposes only alleviate symptoms but don’t necessarily get to the root of and treat the actual problem. And most RX drugs have bad side effects, and I’ve been a recipient of that experience when I was put on Prozac for two months when I was sixteen before finally talking my way into getting off it. (More on that another time.) I think it’s awesome RX drugs really help people live a better life- no judgement whatsoever coming from me on this one. They just aren’t for me and I’ll better explain some of that another time. I use weed therapeutically at the moment because it helps me divorce my brain so I can relax enough to fall asleep. I’ve had less than a handful of sleepless nights in over a year and a half now. And on some occasions, I still pull a What About Bob? but that is very rare- like a few times a year rare. I also barely use weed socially, but I will say this summer in particular I’ve taken edibles when going to Universal Studios (I have a pass and go semi-frequently) and have enjoyed some cannabis drinks (they make those now!) with friends when having pool days. This all said, I’m eyeing the day where I can sleep without weed because when you can naturally fall asleep and stay asleep it is the most sound sleep available. But I’m still on a healing journey from CPTSD (I was diagnosed about two months after that fateful day in January) and for the time being, it is what it is.

In this journey of trying out different types of cannabis I’ve learned that different strains have different effects, but even then there is a spectrum with how people react to them. Hot take: I think CBD is mostly bullshit but not completely. I actually really love CBG, a lesser known compound that has super promising research for tons of ailments. I want to share all of this with you all. I want to discuss different products with the caveat of knowing my experiences are not the monolith. And I want to share other nuances and inside baseball information that I’ve learned the past year and half.

This feels necessary because as I slowly started coming out as a new(ish)cannabis user many of my friends were super interested but also kind of intimated to go into a dispensary. I totally get that too because I felt like the kid going into a cool record store asking if they have any Beatles albums when the guy behind the counter was all, “let me tell you about post punk because clearly you’ve never heard of it.” Nobody likes to feel like they don’t know what they’re talking about and asking for help while revealing your blindspots isn’t something that’s really encouraged in society. Add in that this drug was illegal until very recently and there’s other layers of taboo or shame that some haven’t exorcised out of their systems. It’s not as simple as just going to the dispensary and having everything go the way you want it to, so I’m going to humanize that process. I do believe weed saved my life, but I will also concede that I have yet to have huge physical pain relief from it. And in the time that I started regularly consuming weed I have also had major appetite issues- like to the point where half of my clothes don’t fit right anymore- and weed barely assisted with straightening that out. So I’m hardly overzealous even though I’m a big fan. I love weed but I don’t at all believe it’s a blanket cure for everything and everyone. I will not oversell you and it’s cool if you have a different experience than I do.

Long story long, if you’re at all curious or confused about cannabis, this is the blog series for you. I do love weed but I will not oversell you and I will mention where my experiences may be different than others. I’ll humanize the process, promote my favorite products, and discuss the limitations I’ve found with this otherwise miracle plant. Getting high from pot is more nuanced than how it’s been portrayed so let’s tackle this together. Come back soon and have a great day.